Current Conceptions :

The thoughts that wont go away, the feelings you can’t switch off.
Lately my heads been running a marathon and I am unable to keep up.
Having a hyperactive mind is not something you want.
Overthinking is a painful reminder that you care way too much, even when you shouldn’t.
I don’t know why, but lately I have been taking words deeper than they are probably meant. A simple conversation I look to far into. Tone of voice is a big one as well.
No tone of voice? even worse. Messages lost in translation.
The way someone speaks to you usually dictates their feelings toward you.
Even if they don’t realise they are doing it.
I think loneliness can be a godsend sometimes because you start to evaluate who you are as a person, what you want, what you need, and it leads you on a path of self discovery.
In this instant, its subject to a way that I feel surrounded by good people yet inside I have that feeling.
Maybe I’m searching to hard for something that isn’t there.
Maybe I feel I am meant to be somewhere I’m not.
Maybe I didn’t realise it, but I’m sensitive to the point where if you look at me differently or don’t look at me at all. Tell me to stop talking or don’t talk to me at all.
Ignore my messages or ignore my call. Whether what you did was an accident or you don’t realise you did anything at all. It somehow effects my mindset for the whole day, and my mind will be going around all night.
All these maybes, all these questions. A constant circulation. A constant rotation.
I’m to hard on myself.
I need to remember to take a moment.
Sit back.
Marvel at my life:
The grief that softened me,
The heartache that wisened me,
The suffering that strengthened me.
Despite everything.
I will still grow.
I am proud of this.

I’ve also realised in relationships; the definitive answer is – it should be easy.
Friendships, Love, conversation, it should all flow with ease.
I’ve realised what a true friend is. It’s someone who will always love you – the imperfect you, the confused you, the wrong you, the you that makes mistakes.
And just because you’ve known someone for ‘x’ amount of years does not mean that you deserve to feel insignificant to them. People in your life should empower you, push you, strive for you – and that should always be reciprocated. If someone doesn’t take the time to call you, see you, or spend time with you, its time to realise that they don’t care. It’s a harsh reality, but its fact. You can’t go through life always calling first, and once you stop you will see the truth. Will that person call you? Will they arrive at your house for that cup of coffee you organise each week? Will they meet you at your spot for a good old catch up. No. Because you realise, that this whole time its been you and now that you have stopped, they haven’t even tried. These are the people that you thought loved you.. the thing is though, you don’t hurt the people you love. These people are ones who don’t care, but they want to keep you around, and the reason is this – when they need something that you have, and they don’t. They will call you, the will arrive at your house for coffee, they will meet you at your spot for a catch up, because now – you have something they want; and at the end of the day its not healthy to be around people like that.

I hope from this you can take something, anything. A sentence a word.
This is the part of my life where I silently remove myself from anyone who hurts me more than they love me, drains me more than they replenish me, brings me stress more than they do peace, and tries to stunt my growth rather than clap for it.
I think I’ve done more than enough talking and trying to make things with certain people. And on that note, I’m done.

x .j

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